the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize