Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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