How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
