where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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