someone threw a dead crab at me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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