I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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