i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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