I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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