theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
