Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
