i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
