is your mom at the bar?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize