I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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