A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
