i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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