I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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