Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
