Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
