If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
