I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
