i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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