I cannot find my penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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