Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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