I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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