someone threw a dead crab at me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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