Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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