I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
