I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
