i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
