If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just pee around me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
