either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
