Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
