I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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