In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize