Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
why is half of my head shaved?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
