I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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