I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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