So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
