Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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