i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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