some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
