ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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