i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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