I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
