Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize