Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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