Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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