I haven't been this sober since birth.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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