I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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