Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
