There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i love accidental penises.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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