You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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