alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
