Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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