Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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