i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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