GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
