we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
