my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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