First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
