haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
